Here are a few ride-related Cafe Press shops I've noticed lately. I don't get anything for recommending them, but if you decide to order something from one of my shops and one of theirs, you can have the whole megillah shipped on the same dime -- ain't that slick? (If you're on a tight schedule, you can STILL order Cafe Press stuff and have it shipped in time for Sir Isaac Newton's birthday on the 25th.)

The Clear for Launch Shop. Space Mountain shirts.

The Atommobiles Shop. The shop for Atommobiles.com.

The Doombuggies Shop. The shop for Doombuggies.com.

Theme Park Diva. What the heck? Seems to be some sort of drag musical about Walt Disney World.

Thunderpig! The shop for the Big Daddy Roth inspired pig in a hot rod bumper car.

Half-Life Bumper Cars. A bumper car modification for the game Half-Life. Vampires in coffin-shaped bumper cars versus giant chicken bumper cars; it's like something out of Bucketheadland.

Now Available: Ride Theory Snowboards.

The Marco Polo classical label just released Volume 8 in the Complete Orchestral Works of Hans Christian Lumbye. Lumbye's Tivolis Rutschbane Galop (Tivoli Roller-Coaster Galop) and Tivolis Damp-Carouselbane Galop (Tivoli Steam Carousel Galop), both from 1848, are probably the earliest classical compositions about amusement park rides. From the liner notes:

"Tivolis Rutschbane Galop: The most popular attraction in the newly-opened Tivoli was the roller-coaster. As a link in the long series of festival galops that describe each of the gardens' many attractions, Lumbye also composed a fine, impressive Roller-Coaster Galop referring to this entertainment. With its many glissandi and scale passages the music clearly reflects the many ups and downs of the roller-coaster. The piece, which was composed on 11th August 1843, was first performed at the opening of the Tivoli Garden on 15th August that year, and long remained one of Lumbye's most popular galops. It appeared shortly afterwards, like his many other Tivoli galops, in a version for piano with a lithograph illustration of the roller-coaster on the cover."

Kinda true. The 1848 version of the rutschbane at Tivoli wasn't really a roller coaster at all, more of a slide. I suspect the Danish word "rutschbane" is the same as the German "rutschbahn." I also suspect that I am the only person who cares about such fine distinctions.



In 1937, Darius Milhaud invited his circle of composer friends to the Paris Exposition, and asked each of them to write a piano composition based on their favorite pavillion. Shortly thereafter, Alexander Tcherepnin did the same thing, but encouraged his friends to write compositions based on their favorite midway attractions and rides. Autour de Montagnes Russe (Visit to a Roller Coaster) is Tcherpnin's clever four movement composition about waiting in line, only to jauntily walk away after deciding the ride looks too rickety. Tourbillion Mechanique (Mechanical Whirlwind) by Tibor Harsanyi portrays some sort of spinning ride (Octopus, perhaps?) by using a driving, raga-like drone -- very effective. Bohuslav Martinu's slightly spooky Le Train Haunte (Haunted Train) is about a dark ride. The only truly poor composition is Scenic Railway, a perfunctory and dull roller coaster piece by Arthur Honneger, a stiff who once said he didn't much care for carnivals and celebrations. As far as I can determine, there have been two CDs released of these collections, one by pianist Bennet Lerner and a more recent version by Daniel Blumenthal. Good luck finding either one; they're out of print.



My favorite piano piece about an amusement park ride is Le Water Chute from Erik Satie's Sports et Divertissements. It's a very short piece (it runs less than a minute) based on the Shoot-the-Chutes water ride. It sounds pretty much as you would expect, particularly the descending glissandos as the boat zips down the flume. The original published edition of Sports et Divertissements included illustrations and descriptions of the scenes to be read silently.

"If you have a strong constitution, you won't be too ill. It will feel like falling from a scaffold. You'll see how strange it is. Look out! Don't change colour."

"I don't feel well..."

"That means you needed some amusement."

There is a bell and a dollar bill on the International Space Station (which is both a ride and a theme park). Learn why.

(DANNY ADDS: Theme park?)

"We get told that we have 'issues' and should seek help, but we shrug off these comments because we just want to make a bit more noise and go a bit faster than everyone else."

Epcot makes it official and adds barf bags to their new Mission Space ride.

"Langley estimated that less than 1 percent of all riders get sick on the $100 million ride, which uses a multi-arm centrifuge to simulate twice the normal force of gravity."

Okay, I'll buy that. Let's be generous and try 1/10 of 1 percent. Every time you load 1,000 people in, one barfs. At 40 guests per simulator, the total capacity of the four simulators per load is 160 guests. So two loads is a little over 300 people, let's figure that works out to maybe one protein spill for every six loads. The ride is four minutes long, and factor in some load/unload time, round off to say, six minutes... there's a barfer every 36 minutes or so. Must be fun to work there!

This may be a first -- Has there ever been any other ride in the entire history of amusement parks that provided barf bags?

Go here and scroll down for this story:

"Today I visited Tokyo Disneyland, which must be at least the third-happiest place on Earth. While taking a short break from the thrilling, often nausea-inducing attractions, my friend and I stopped into a store called The Magic Shop. It sold a variety of parlor tricks in plastic packages, nothing of particular interest... until we stepped into the short hallway connection the Magic Shop to the Disney goods store next door. There, displayed proudly opposite a painting of Harry Houdini, was a lovely poster advertising none other than The Amazing Randi! A very stern looking version of My Skeptical Hero was shown levitating a woman in midair obviously that could only be explained through supernatural means. If I recall the signature correctly, it was done by an artist named Jayston."

Fark is having a scavenger hunt. Create a photoshop utilizing images of Norman Fell, a snow monkey, a unicycle, a compound fracture and the interior of Disneyland's Club 33.